diaphenia | Fic: Long- Distance Leslie Lovin’: A User Manual

Title: Long- Distance Leslie Lovin’: A User Manual
Author:

saucydiva
Word count: 2K
Rating: R for sex talk and swearing and naughtiness
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would dump hundreds of red, white and blue balloons down on you
Timeline: 4x22

Summary: As prompted by birthday girl

k8_26_2:
Donna and Tom give Ben unsolicited advice about how he can pleasure his lady while they’re apart.

Author’s Note:

rikyl deserves rainforests and waterfalls and penguins.

See previous birthday fic here and here.

“Benchmark! Congrats on the job offer,” Tom says, cornering Ben. “Too bad you’re going to be twenty-thousand miles away from Leslie.”

“And god knows you’re not going to do better than her,” Donna adds.

“We aren’t breaking up, guys,” Ben says.

“We didn’t say you were. Did we say you were?” Donna says, rolling her eyes. “That’s why we’re here.”

“We’re going to make sure you keep her,” Tom says.

“And the fact that a satisfied Leslie is a less annoying Leslie is immaterial,” Donna says, while Tom nods.

“Like right now, she’s probably the happiest she’ll ever be, and she’s never been less annoying.” Tom pauses, and they all look over at Leslie, who’s walking from table to table at JJs, accepting accolades and praise from her campaign staff and her fervent supporters. She’s flushed with her success, glowing under the florescent lighting. Ben’s fingers itch to grab her and kiss her, and see if he can keep that look on her face forever.

He can’t, though. In fact, he has only thirty-eight hours to put that look on her face, and then he’s going to be at the airport, heading for DC. He looks at his watch—thirty-seven hours and forty-nine minutes, really, if he gets to the airport the required two hours early. But really, that’s—

“… endless rounds of self-love, no doubt,” Tom says, smacking his hands together. “Just remember lubrication.”

“Oh good lord. I need to go—anywhere else, really.” Ben tried to walk away, but Donna puts out a hand and shoves him back into his corner.

“No, first we talk about Leslie.”

Ben didn’t want Tom or Donna to think about Leslie and her endless rounds of self-love, or to think about Ben thinking about Leslie, or to be having this conversation in general.

“You have to remember, men are visual creatures, but women are mental creatures. That means she probably doesn’t want pictures of your naked body,” Donna says.

“Besides, women can do all sorts of things with photoshop these days. Just say no to sexting.” Tom shudders, and Ben resolves never to touch Tom’s phone ever again.

“You have to appeal to her brain. Sexy emails. Sexy letters. A woman can’t live on Harry Potter fan fic alone.” Donna shakes her head. “Last time I ever look at Leslie’s computer.”

Ben doesn’t have time to process this— and isn’t that for the better, really— before they switch topics again.

“Phone sex. Now, I’ve never done it, because the real thing’s always available, but my friend Mary Beth, down at the DMV, she was dating a Marine, and sometimes when we’d get our nails done she’d go ahead and help her man out—“

Ben is horrified. “That is the worst thi—“

“Are you seriously going to complain about that? Don’t you support the troops?”

“I’m all for supporting the troops, but not in public!” Ben says, running his fingers through his hair. “She’d just… have phone sex at the salon? Christ.”

“I’m just saying, sometimes you have to help someone out even if you’re not feeling it. You support each other, Ben. And you don’t get mad if you find out later she’s faked a few orgasms.” She looks him up and down, then sighs. “Or all her orgasms.”

Ben chokes.

He feels a hand whacking him on the back.

“Are you ok?” Jerry says, and when Ben nods, Jerry continues. “What are you guys talking about?”

“Leslie’s faking it,” Tom says, his face unconcerned.

“No, that’s not true. I think she genuinely loves Ben. She can’t fake that smile,” Jerry answers, and the four of them all sneak a peak at Leslie. Leslie’s still glowing, spraying Ann’s pancakes with whipped cream despite the horrified look in Ann’s eyes. Leslie glances them, and smiles at Ben, biting her lower lip.

Tom broke in. “Gross, Jerry, you somehow made love gross. Besides, no one said love’s what she was fak—“

“There are three ways to tell if she’s faking an orgasm,” Donna says. “Unfortunately, you can’t see these over your phone, and only one of them might be visible over skype.”

“She’s not—everything’s fine, new topic,” Ben says.

“Flowers. You need to send her flowers,” Jerry says, though his words are muffled by Tom’s far louder, “She’s going to need some vibrators.”

“Ewww, Jerry, stop talking about vibrators and go help Ann,” April says, tugging at Jerry and shoving him away.

“And what does my lady love need?” Tom asks.

“She’s fine. I just want Jerry to go away.” April smirks, “And for Ann to be stuck with him. What’s going on?”

“We’re just trying to help Ben with Leslie,” Donna says.

“Don’t grunt whenever you… you know. You do it like you don’t realize we can hear you and it’s so creepy. I hear it in my nightmares,” April says, and Ben can feel his face start to burn.

“Tell us more,” Donna says, a huge smile on her face.

April groans. “He sort of—ugh, you know the sound an accordion makes when you get tired of your sister having it and you stab it with a steak knife?”

“Did I hear the word ‘steak’?” Ron asks, stepping over to them.

“We’re giving Ben relationship advice,” Tom says. “You want to contribute?”

“That sounds like a terrible idea. I don’t give advice, son, it’s a bad idea to get involved in the lives of anyone,” Ron says, shooting Ben a hard look.

“What about sex advice?” Donna asks. “Don’t tell me you don’t know how to please a woman; you’ve been married three times.”

Ron is quiet, letting the moment stretch, but no one speaks, waiting to see what he’s going to say. Finally, “Always hold on tight. You never know when you’re going to get bucked off and go flying. You might break an ankle that way. And indeed, you could, circa 1986.”

Donna’s eyes go wide, and Tom looks at the ground. April—April’s actually blushing, which is unnerving. Ben, meanwhile, closes his eyes and tries to will himself out of this conversation.

When he opens his eyes again, April and Ron are gone, thankfully, but Donna and Tom are still there, preventing his escape. Ben says, “I think Ron’s still drunk.”

“Who’s still drunk?” Chris asks, popping up and startling Tom and Donna. “Donna Meagle. Tom Haverford. Ben Wyatt. How are you doing tonight? Isn’t Leslie just the most radiant you’ve ever seen her?”

They all pause and look at Leslie, who’s deep in conversation with JJ. She’s animated, drawing out some point in the air with a stick of bacon.

Donna catches Chris up on their conversation thus far, though she leaves out Ron’s advice, which is a relief.

“I’m not worried,” Chris says. “Ben knows a thing or two about long-distance relationships. Remember when you were dating Sarah, and you would send her mix cds?” He glances surreptitiously at his phone.

“Not really,” Ben says. He hasn’t thought about Sarah in ages.

“Or when you and Natalie used to watch tv together on the phone?”

“That was… eight years ago! Why do you remember?”

“I was just saying to her, Ben’s the nicest guy I know.”

“Wait, just saying to her? As in, you are in contact with her?”

“Oh sure, we talk on the phone at least once a month. She’s expecting again, did you hear?”

“Why—no, I don’t want to know. I’m going to just assume you aren’t friends with all of my exes.”

Chris smiles serenely at him. “Just because things didn’t work out between you two is no reason to stop talking to someone.”

“It’s reason enough for me to stop… it doesn’t matter.”

“Ben, you’ve successfully carried off… four long-distance relationships in the years I’ve known you—“

“Which is why he’s still dating all four of those girls,” Tom mutters.

Chris continues, “And now you have an iPad. That’s helpful!”

“Just be aware that random fluids will brick iAnythings,” Tom says.

Chris nods gravely, and Ben cringes. Then Chris touches Ben’s shoulder, and says, “Just remember to be positive, all the time, no matter what! You two will be fine.”

“You might need drugs to achieve that kind of positivity,” Donna mutters.

“Ann Perkins!” Chris says when she joins them. He shoots her a sad smile, nods, and wanders off, checking his phone again.

“Hello future roommate!” Tom says, lighting up.

“Hey did you know I’m sober now? Not going to happen. Ben, Leslie’s wondering where you put your—“

“Long-distance relationships. How are Ben and Leslie going to make theirs work?” Donna asks.

“I’m going to be taking care of Leslie. And Leslie’s going to be taking care of Leslie. I have no idea how, but she’s already working on her Ben’s Gone binder. And she already got us opera tickets for next weekend.” Ann shakes her head. “I don’t even know where we’d go to see the opera.”

Ben wonders if Leslie’s actually going to go to Eagleton while he’s gone. He shudders slightly.

“She’s working on a binder for you, too, Ben. You two will just keep busy, and everything will be fine.”

Tom interjects. “But we’re talking about sexually, making the relationship work sexually.”

“No, we aren’t,” Ann says, rolling her eyes. “Ben, you really should talk to Leslie. And maybe not these two, just a suggestion.” She grabs Ben’s hand—apparently, suggestion means something else to Ann—and pulls him over to where Leslie’s talking with Andy.

“Hey you,” Leslie says, leaning into him and pulling him to down to a kiss.

“Leslie,” he says, taking a moment to just breathe her in.

“I’m here too,” Andy says. “You sure were in the corner for a long time.”

“Tom and Donna wanted to give me… long-distance relationship advice,” Ben says, trying to deflect follow-up questions.

“Oh don’t worry. There are going to be binders,” Leslie says.

“Dude, that’s easy. You visit her, or she visits you, and you totally get down if you know what I mean,” Andy says, wiggling his eyebrows at Ben. “What I mean is sex. In the hotel room. And you can make those weird noises.”

Ben’s mouth goes dry. “I don’t—“

“You do,” Leslie says, shrugging at him. He shakes his head at her, but she nods till he winces. “But we’re going to make it work. We’ve got unlimited cell phone plans—“

Ben feels confused. “No, we don’t?”

“We do now. And we’ve got iPads and reward point credit cards and tenacity. Oh, and these.” She shoves something in his hands and walks away. Ann drags Andy away, too, and Ben opens the envelope.

And closes it again, a moment later.

Naked polaroids. Taken in what appears to be JJs bathroom. Involving... whipped cream.

Holy shit.