Fic: Safer Sex at City Hall
Mar. 8th, 2012 02:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
diapheniaTitle: Safer Sex at City Hall
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
saucydiva
Word count: 1.5K
Rating: PG-13? They’re all talk, though
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would prepay your dinner
Timeline: Post 4x17
Summary: As prompted bypopgurlie:
Ann interviews everyone for a safe sex documentary.
Author’s Note:rikyl talks me down off a ledge every time. Thanks to stillscape and craponaspatula for everything. If any of these conversations look familiar, you’re being paranoid.
“I can’t believe our teens get pregnant and at twice the rate of Eagleton kids,” Leslie said, brushing Ann’s hair. “For one thing, Pawnee sperm are, on the whole, lazy swimmers.”
“I’m just nervous about this filming. Tom promised he was going to help but he’s still not here, and we start in an hour.”
“You’ll be fine.” Leslie put down the brush and hugged Ann from behind, her reflection in the mirror on the wall much more cheerful than Ann’s. “Here, let’s practice.”
She bounced over to the interview chair. Ann turned on the camera—might as well make sure that was going to turn out—and sat down in the interview chair.
“Alright, this is Ann Perkins, Director of Health Department Public Relations. And your name is…”
“Leslie Knope, candidate for the—wait, no. Hatch Act. Leslie Knope, Deputy Director of the Parks Department. Parks: please don’t have sex in them.”
“And can you tell the audience about your experiences with safer sex?”
“Always use a condom. And a diaphragm. And the pill. And an IUD as a backup.”
Ann blinked at her. “That might be a bit much.”
“I’ve never had a pregnancy scare. Well—“ Leslie shifted a bit in her chair. “I mean, I thought I was pregnant last month, but that turned out to be food poisoning. And in March of last year even though I was not—I thought I was pregnant too. And THAT turned out to be food poisoning. You know, I need to stop eating at Big Head Joes.”
“Great—“ But Ann was interrupted when the conference door opened.
“What’s going on in here?” Donna asked.
Ann replied, “Just practicing for the safer sex campaign. Didn’t you read the memo I sent today?”
“That’s not ringing a bell.”
“Or the one I sent yesterday, or the weeks of discussion on the topic in our meetings, or the time we ate lunch together—”
Donna shrugged, then put out a hand. “No, if you’re going to film someone talking about their sex lives, it’s gotta be someone better than Ms. Missionary over here—"
“Hey! I’ll have you know—“
“How to keep sex safe? Stay out of the shower. That is varsity level sex.”
“Ugh. Shower sex. I prefer to keep things soft and dry,” Leslie said.
“Soft and dry? That means you need more foreplay,” Donna said, sly smile on her face.
Leslie’s laughter was interrupted by the door opening. “Leslie! Ron sent me to bring you your meat tornado—camera! What’re we talking about?” Andy asked, dropping the takeout bag on a nearby chair. He strode over to the camera. “This is Andy Dwyer, rock star, reporting from Madison Square Garden , where I’m about to play for a million adoring fans.”
Ann went over to try to corral him out of the room. “No, this is for the safer sex campaign. Doesn’t anyone read their email?”
“I do not currently know how to check my email,” Andy said.
“Is that why you never respond to any of mine? What do you do on the computer all day?” Leslie asked, unwrapping her burrito.
Andy giggled. “Let me help. Ok, safe sex. Always wear a helmet, because you never know when you’re going to fall off the bed, or the kitchen—“
“No no no, no ex-boyfriends, Andy, no no no—“
“Ann Perkins! Are you ready for your close-up?” Chris asked, striding confidently through the door.
“Are you kidding me?” Ann muttered. She pasted on a smile. “Leslie and I were just practicing—“
“If you need any help, any at all, I’m here for you.”
“No, Tom should be here soon—“ she ignored Chris’s crestfallen look.
Donna shut her compact mirror with a snap and dropped in her handbag. “She’s practice- interviewing us. I think I’m going to talk about last weekend—“
Chris smiled. “I think a combination of barrier method plus basil temperature and mucus awareness—“
Ann was so glad she’d been on the pill since she was sixteen. “No, both of you, all of you, really, I’ll be fine.”
April pushed open the door to the conference room. “Andy, your burrito’s getting cold and also it’s gross.” She looked around the room, from Leslie eating her burrito, to Andy air guitaring for the camera, to Donna and Chris discussing—Ann couldn’t quite hear them, but hopefully it wasn’t… nope, it was condoms.
“Is this that safer sex thing?” April asked.
“You read your emails?” Thank you, April.
“You’re going to fail at this,” April said, glaring at Ann.
Ann sighed. “Great. Ok, everyone, let’s just move on, and by on I mean out of the conference room—“
“Helllllllo Cupcake!” Tom hollered, burst into the room. “I brought an assistant—“
Jean-Ralphio slinked in, and grabbed her hand. “A-to-the-Double N, bringing condoms to the chil-der-ren.“
Tom high-fived his free hand. “You’re learning!”
“You know it, T-Bird.” He turned back to Ann. “I just want you to know that just because you’re going to be talking about sex doesn’t mean I’m imagining you—“
She yanked her hand away and covered his mouth. “Do not continue if you want to have children one day. I’ll let you stay because you two did some great videos last summer, not because I like you personally.”
“What’s the happy-happ, here?” Jean-Ralphio asked.
“She’s interviewing everyone on safer sex,” Leslie said, wiping her mouth.
“Actually, I was only pretend-interviewing you—“ Ann said, when Jean-Ralphio jumped in front of the camera, blocking Andy’s air-guitar rendition of ‘Sex Hair.’
“Safer sex is the only way to go. That’s why I don’t hit that until I find out how she feels about mini-people because I’m anti-kidlette, not till I’m super-old, like sixty- three. I always make her write out a precop—that’s a pre-copulation agreement, and it’s great to make sure we’re on the same sex page. Until you have one of those in place, just remember lotion is the key.”
“Oh god, please stop,” Ann said.
“And then you always take an aspirin before bed to avoid a bangover in the morning.”
“That’s not a—whatever, it doesn’t matter.” Ann tried to shut off the camera when she suddenly heard Jerry.
“I think you should stick to the suggestions I sent you last week. My abstinence lectures have had a great success rate.”
“Where did you come from?” Ann asked. Everyone else looked surprised too.
“I’ve been here the entire time,” Jerry said.
“I don’t think so,” Ann said, shaking her head.
Jerry looked hurt. “I helped you set up the camera? I helped you mount that mirror? And moved all the tables?”
Ann kept shaking her head.
“We were talking about my new painting?”
Ann didn’t have time for this. “Guys, our first interview is going to be here any moment, so we need to clear out—“
“Leslie, Ron said you’d be here,” Ben said, opening the door.
Ann touched her fingers to her temples. “You don’t even work here, how are you here?”
“I just wanted to say hello—“
Ann clapped her hands twice. “Ok, everyone, move to one side of the room or the other, because I’m interviewing Ben.” Donna looked gleeful, and so did Andy. People started shuffling out of the way, and Tom went behind the camera.
Ben obligated, sitting in the hot seat, while Ann took her place in her chair.
“Hello Pawnee, Ann Perkins, department of etc, let’s get on with this. Your name?”
“Ben Wyatt.”
“And your occupation?”
“Campaign manager to the most deserving candidate I’ve ever met,” he said, ignoring most of the awwws but still taking a moment to search out Leslie’s eyes.
“And your preferred method of birth control?”
Ben’s mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. “I— er. What’s this—I don’t think I—what’s the—.”
“Any pregnancy scares?”
Ben blushed, and started wiping his palms on his jeans, once, twice, then again and again. Then he started coughing, choking on absolutely nothing.
“Now, what about your sexual health? Any history of STIs?”
“I want to—you can’t—did I ever—“
“This is embarrassing,” Tom said, cringing.
Donna added, "That boy cannot do cameras."
“I have to leave to go to somewhere else,” Andy said, grabbing April’s hand. Chris started talking about his lunchtime run, and he was followed out by Donna, who was smirking. Jerry left, almost knocking over the camera on his way out. Tom tried to leave, but Ann grabbed his sleeve, and dragged him back to the camera.
Meanwhile, Leslie stroked Ben’s arm, hoisted him up, guided him out, pausing only to tell Ann that she was a beautiful lobster dinner, whatever that meant. Ann could still make out Ben’s sputtering through the door.
That worked, Ann thought, pleased with the sudden quiet. She had ten minutes to go, so surely that was enough time to—
The door opened once more. “Some jerk with a mustache told me this was cancelled, but I’m skipping lunch so that better not be true, Perkins.”
Ann took and deep breath. “Dr. Harris, you’re here. Great. Let’s get started.”
Author:
saucydivaWord count: 1.5K
Rating: PG-13? They’re all talk, though
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would prepay your dinner
Timeline: Post 4x17
Summary: As prompted by
popgurlie: Ann interviews everyone for a safe sex documentary.
Author’s Note:
rikyl talks me down off a ledge every time. Thanks to stillscape and craponaspatula for everything. If any of these conversations look familiar, you’re being paranoid. “I can’t believe our teens get pregnant and at twice the rate of Eagleton kids,” Leslie said, brushing Ann’s hair. “For one thing, Pawnee sperm are, on the whole, lazy swimmers.”
“I’m just nervous about this filming. Tom promised he was going to help but he’s still not here, and we start in an hour.”
“You’ll be fine.” Leslie put down the brush and hugged Ann from behind, her reflection in the mirror on the wall much more cheerful than Ann’s. “Here, let’s practice.”
She bounced over to the interview chair. Ann turned on the camera—might as well make sure that was going to turn out—and sat down in the interview chair.
“Alright, this is Ann Perkins, Director of Health Department Public Relations. And your name is…”
“Leslie Knope, candidate for the—wait, no. Hatch Act. Leslie Knope, Deputy Director of the Parks Department. Parks: please don’t have sex in them.”
“And can you tell the audience about your experiences with safer sex?”
“Always use a condom. And a diaphragm. And the pill. And an IUD as a backup.”
Ann blinked at her. “That might be a bit much.”
“I’ve never had a pregnancy scare. Well—“ Leslie shifted a bit in her chair. “I mean, I thought I was pregnant last month, but that turned out to be food poisoning. And in March of last year even though I was not—I thought I was pregnant too. And THAT turned out to be food poisoning. You know, I need to stop eating at Big Head Joes.”
“Great—“ But Ann was interrupted when the conference door opened.
“What’s going on in here?” Donna asked.
Ann replied, “Just practicing for the safer sex campaign. Didn’t you read the memo I sent today?”
“That’s not ringing a bell.”
“Or the one I sent yesterday, or the weeks of discussion on the topic in our meetings, or the time we ate lunch together—”
Donna shrugged, then put out a hand. “No, if you’re going to film someone talking about their sex lives, it’s gotta be someone better than Ms. Missionary over here—"
“Hey! I’ll have you know—“
“How to keep sex safe? Stay out of the shower. That is varsity level sex.”
“Ugh. Shower sex. I prefer to keep things soft and dry,” Leslie said.
“Soft and dry? That means you need more foreplay,” Donna said, sly smile on her face.
Leslie’s laughter was interrupted by the door opening. “Leslie! Ron sent me to bring you your meat tornado—camera! What’re we talking about?” Andy asked, dropping the takeout bag on a nearby chair. He strode over to the camera. “This is Andy Dwyer, rock star, reporting from Madison Square Garden , where I’m about to play for a million adoring fans.”
Ann went over to try to corral him out of the room. “No, this is for the safer sex campaign. Doesn’t anyone read their email?”
“I do not currently know how to check my email,” Andy said.
“Is that why you never respond to any of mine? What do you do on the computer all day?” Leslie asked, unwrapping her burrito.
Andy giggled. “Let me help. Ok, safe sex. Always wear a helmet, because you never know when you’re going to fall off the bed, or the kitchen—“
“No no no, no ex-boyfriends, Andy, no no no—“
“Ann Perkins! Are you ready for your close-up?” Chris asked, striding confidently through the door.
“Are you kidding me?” Ann muttered. She pasted on a smile. “Leslie and I were just practicing—“
“If you need any help, any at all, I’m here for you.”
“No, Tom should be here soon—“ she ignored Chris’s crestfallen look.
Donna shut her compact mirror with a snap and dropped in her handbag. “She’s practice- interviewing us. I think I’m going to talk about last weekend—“
Chris smiled. “I think a combination of barrier method plus basil temperature and mucus awareness—“
Ann was so glad she’d been on the pill since she was sixteen. “No, both of you, all of you, really, I’ll be fine.”
April pushed open the door to the conference room. “Andy, your burrito’s getting cold and also it’s gross.” She looked around the room, from Leslie eating her burrito, to Andy air guitaring for the camera, to Donna and Chris discussing—Ann couldn’t quite hear them, but hopefully it wasn’t… nope, it was condoms.
“Is this that safer sex thing?” April asked.
“You read your emails?” Thank you, April.
“You’re going to fail at this,” April said, glaring at Ann.
Ann sighed. “Great. Ok, everyone, let’s just move on, and by on I mean out of the conference room—“
“Helllllllo Cupcake!” Tom hollered, burst into the room. “I brought an assistant—“
Jean-Ralphio slinked in, and grabbed her hand. “A-to-the-Double N, bringing condoms to the chil-der-ren.“
Tom high-fived his free hand. “You’re learning!”
“You know it, T-Bird.” He turned back to Ann. “I just want you to know that just because you’re going to be talking about sex doesn’t mean I’m imagining you—“
She yanked her hand away and covered his mouth. “Do not continue if you want to have children one day. I’ll let you stay because you two did some great videos last summer, not because I like you personally.”
“What’s the happy-happ, here?” Jean-Ralphio asked.
“She’s interviewing everyone on safer sex,” Leslie said, wiping her mouth.
“Actually, I was only pretend-interviewing you—“ Ann said, when Jean-Ralphio jumped in front of the camera, blocking Andy’s air-guitar rendition of ‘Sex Hair.’
“Safer sex is the only way to go. That’s why I don’t hit that until I find out how she feels about mini-people because I’m anti-kidlette, not till I’m super-old, like sixty- three. I always make her write out a precop—that’s a pre-copulation agreement, and it’s great to make sure we’re on the same sex page. Until you have one of those in place, just remember lotion is the key.”
“Oh god, please stop,” Ann said.
“And then you always take an aspirin before bed to avoid a bangover in the morning.”
“That’s not a—whatever, it doesn’t matter.” Ann tried to shut off the camera when she suddenly heard Jerry.
“I think you should stick to the suggestions I sent you last week. My abstinence lectures have had a great success rate.”
“Where did you come from?” Ann asked. Everyone else looked surprised too.
“I’ve been here the entire time,” Jerry said.
“I don’t think so,” Ann said, shaking her head.
Jerry looked hurt. “I helped you set up the camera? I helped you mount that mirror? And moved all the tables?”
Ann kept shaking her head.
“We were talking about my new painting?”
Ann didn’t have time for this. “Guys, our first interview is going to be here any moment, so we need to clear out—“
“Leslie, Ron said you’d be here,” Ben said, opening the door.
Ann touched her fingers to her temples. “You don’t even work here, how are you here?”
“I just wanted to say hello—“
Ann clapped her hands twice. “Ok, everyone, move to one side of the room or the other, because I’m interviewing Ben.” Donna looked gleeful, and so did Andy. People started shuffling out of the way, and Tom went behind the camera.
Ben obligated, sitting in the hot seat, while Ann took her place in her chair.
“Hello Pawnee, Ann Perkins, department of etc, let’s get on with this. Your name?”
“Ben Wyatt.”
“And your occupation?”
“Campaign manager to the most deserving candidate I’ve ever met,” he said, ignoring most of the awwws but still taking a moment to search out Leslie’s eyes.
“And your preferred method of birth control?”
Ben’s mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. “I— er. What’s this—I don’t think I—what’s the—.”
“Any pregnancy scares?”
Ben blushed, and started wiping his palms on his jeans, once, twice, then again and again. Then he started coughing, choking on absolutely nothing.
“Now, what about your sexual health? Any history of STIs?”
“I want to—you can’t—did I ever—“
“This is embarrassing,” Tom said, cringing.
Donna added, "That boy cannot do cameras."
“I have to leave to go to somewhere else,” Andy said, grabbing April’s hand. Chris started talking about his lunchtime run, and he was followed out by Donna, who was smirking. Jerry left, almost knocking over the camera on his way out. Tom tried to leave, but Ann grabbed his sleeve, and dragged him back to the camera.
Meanwhile, Leslie stroked Ben’s arm, hoisted him up, guided him out, pausing only to tell Ann that she was a beautiful lobster dinner, whatever that meant. Ann could still make out Ben’s sputtering through the door.
That worked, Ann thought, pleased with the sudden quiet. She had ten minutes to go, so surely that was enough time to—
The door opened once more. “Some jerk with a mustache told me this was cancelled, but I’m skipping lunch so that better not be true, Perkins.”
Ann took and deep breath. “Dr. Harris, you’re here. Great. Let’s get started.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 08:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 08:45 pm (UTC)Jean-Ralphio rhyming a rap! I love that so much.
Hmm, all this pregnancy scare talk with Leslie and Ben makes me want a pregnancy fic. There were a couple good ones that didn't get completed, sadly.
And forget Ann/Tom. I will ship Ann/Dr. Harris FOREVER.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-09 08:24 pm (UTC)Funny story where you capture the characters' voices pretty accurately.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:28 am (UTC)(probably not going to write a pregnancy scare either, but someone should)
no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:19 am (UTC)Someone should write that pregnancy fic, but it's not going to be me so put that right out of your mind because babies are sticky.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 02:01 am (UTC)I've never even babysat. I actually don't mind kids; once they can feed and dress themselves, are potty trained, and can speak in complete sentences, they're fun. As long as I don't have to take care of them. And I like my friends' kids just fine. But the thought of all that responsibility is just not for me. Plus, babies really are kind of gross. I just don't want to go near a diaper. And baby drool makes me nauseous.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-13 01:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-07-27 12:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 08:45 pm (UTC)“And then you always take an aspirin before bed to avoid a bangover in the morning.”. You are the best at Jean-Ralphio, you know that. And so many perfect details made it in here, from the air guitar rendition of Sex Hair to no one realizing Jerry was there to Ann, the beautiful lobster dinner.
Unrelated to this delightful fic, I still cannot support the chocolate red wine thing.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 09:23 pm (UTC)Omg, your Jean-R is the best.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:58 am (UTC)I'm fine with pregnancy for any and all, but not on the show, because it's just never really that funny on television.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:36 am (UTC)And thank you. Sometimes I just reach into your brain and take all the good stuff.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 08:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:40 am (UTC)Thanks for reading!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 08:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 09:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 09:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 09:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:49 am (UTC)In other news, I learned about it from my mother, who was trying to get pregnant when she did the daily basil temperature. Now I have a coworker trying to get pregnant, and she's doing this (and constantly questioning me on my cycle, as well).
no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 09:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 10:43 pm (UTC)Also your author's note made me VERY VERY NERVOUS. But I approve of what you have included here because YES.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 01:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 11:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 02:00 am (UTC)I have love for ensemble fics; they're always ridiculously fun.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-09 01:46 am (UTC)Jean-Ralphio was great, and I loved the invisible Jerry gag. :-D
no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 02:09 am (UTC)Thanks for reading!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 05:55 am (UTC)Your stories have this wonderful frenetic energy (frenetic may not be the exact word I'm looking for, but I totally mean it as a compliment), like mini madcap, screwball comedies. It's different from the tone of the show, but your character voices fit the style perfectly, while remaining true to their onscreen personalities.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-11 12:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-13 07:18 am (UTC)It's been said already, but it bears repeating: your character voices are so spot-on, especially Andy and Jean-Ralphio. (FYI, I have no words for how hilarious the word "bangover" is.) Also, "beautiful lobster dinner" is my new favorite Leslie-ism for Ann.
Great job!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-13 07:10 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading!
no subject
Date: 2012-09-10 05:24 pm (UTC)