diaphenia | (no subject)

Last night was an amazing thing, and I’m glad I went. And I wouldn’t have done it without tumblr, who encouraged me whole-heartedly.

I went to the Liar’s Club, a bar that was hosting a viewing party for Untouchable: Drew Peterson. I live in Chicago, home of Drew Peterson, so the viewing party was not completely out of left-field. I didn’t bring a friend, since I want to live-blog the whole thing and I couldn’t come up with a reason why I was both going to bring someone and yet ignore them. And I almost never go to bars alone; I’d rather give a speech naked, so this is only the second time ever.

I had all sorts of reasons I was going to give up and turn around and watch in my pajamas instead, and the universe conspired to stop my excuses; I hit traffic, and it cleared up a mile later. I was worried about parking, and parking was completely easy and free even though it was the middle of Chicago. I only had $8 in my purse despite the fact I knew the bar was cash only, and then I found a $20 hidden behind my AAA card. I hadn’t eaten first, but they were giving away free pizza. There was also free Old Style, but gross.

I sat down at the bar with some free pizza and my Draw Peterson drawing, and I set about coloring. The movie was half an hour from starting when I got there, and the television was already on Lifetime.

A guy sat next to me and tried to pick me up. He actually used a variation of the “Come here often?” line. I told him I’d never been, but that I was excited about the movie. He thought about it and remembered that they were showing it, and I mentioned how excited I was. This proceeded through a few questions, and the gist of our interaction went like this:

Me: let’s talk about this movie!

Him: what?

Eventually he got the hint and moved on. Dude, if I wanted to sleep with you, your pants would already be off. There’s a lesson here, and it’s has something to do with the importance of not having stupid facial hair. Or at least faking interest in the awesome things I want to see.

The bar was packed. And I was a little worried people would talk through the movie and I would have to speed home to actually hear anything, but they killed the music, turned up the sound, and we all got a little slack-jawed when the movie actually came on. We’d laugh at the especially cheesy or gross lines, but it was the absolute quietest I’ve ever seen a bar, even though there had to be over a hundred of us. The commercials would break the trance; people would chat and laugh and discuss, but as soon as the movie came back on, we were quiet again.

The best scene, naturally, was the “I’m untouchable, bitch” scene that came on in the last fifteen minutes. Though we were entirely quiet, someone shouted out “everyone shut up!” when we realized we were about the see this glorious scene. At one point, Drew tells his neighbor that she should realize that changing her garage code wont help, and someone yelled out “why won’t that help?” but still we were denied our cookie. And then he said the line, and the bar broke out into spontaneous applause.

We clapped at the end, something I normally would roll my eyes at, but there was a real sense of community by the end, that we’d approached this journey together. The movie was awful, the real story tragic, and we made good by donating to supplies and cash to Metropolitan Family Services, because something good should come out of Drew’s (alleged) terrible crimes.

I spent most of the time watching, liveblogging, and texting Andie, who helpfully let me know I could be wife number five. This is true! Drew lives near me. I might be a little old for him.

I was in the line for the bathroom at the end—my other favorite place to chat people up, for the record—and the girl behind me agreed that this was the very best movie ever, that we wanted to do this for all the Lifetime movies, especially the John Stamos one that’s coming up. She then talked about how hot Rob Lowe is, even in his Peterson drag. I tried to casually bring up my favorite show, yet avoid coming off as some super fan who would, say, go to a bar to watch a Lifetime movie starring someone from my favorite show.

Me: Oh yeah, and you know, I hear he’s on a show, Parks and Rec, and it’s supposed to be pretty good

Her: Oh, hmmm.

Me: Yeah, I hear he’s really funny.

Her: This movie was funny.

What I should have said, in retrospect, was this: Yeah, I hear he’s usually shirtless. Next time.

All in all, I firmly recommend mixing bars and Lifetime movies.

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Sounds like you had a blast! I will probably never watch that movie and TBH the idea of it turns my stomach a little, but I think if there's any way to watch it, it's the way you did.

It was ridiculously fun. And I'm not recommending you watch the movie- it isn't good, but it's kind of like Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's not the movie, it's the sense of community and the flying toast.

Yes, I can definitely imagine that. Oh, and re: your encounter with the Rob Lowe fan: I also tend to downplay my fandom around other people :P But as a Rob Lowe fan, if I didn't already watch Parks and Recreation, the shirtless line might have swayed me ;)

I mean, if she thought he was hot as Drew Peterson, with the potbelly and the facial hair and the weird hair... damn it, I almost had her! You would have loved it though. I have never heard Rob Lowe mentioned as many times as- well, ever, but certainly it was the most times in a bar.

This sounds like just the most amazing time. Between your liveblogging last night and the AV Club's almost-too-apathetic-to-be-scathing review, I got much more enjoyment out of this film than I ever expected lol.

It was the most amazing time. And the AVClub review was awesome, and it's so true that the real case is actually weirder and more dramatic than the movie.

I see a lot of movies in theaters every year- I don't have the attention span to watch things at home- and this was probably the most fun I've had at a movie during this 2011-2012 Oscar season.

I have my screening date set with Friend Who Loves Twilight Ironically. Next Sunday, if I can make it that long.

Oh man, that sounds like the best thing ever. And I say that as someone who also loves Twilight ironically.

You should come out and visit and see Breaking Dawn Part 2 with us. We always see the Twilight movies together, on opening weekend, and then we get ice cream and giggle at how terrible they are, and she has read the books so she tells me about how awful the books are, and then we get ice cream except this last time it was cold and rainy so we got crepes instead and discussed how Bella's sexual politics are disturbing and weird. It's a good time!

That sounds much better than how I saw Part one, which was with my mother and sister- my mother gets it in her head every few months that we need to bond at the movies- after which she told me that RPat was hot in his semi-nudity. Which is still better than when we saw Bridesmaids and she asked me if my sister understood the blowjob jokes....

Ben feels ambivalent about your movie-going experience. I need an icon of him looking horrified. Where are the "Jerry's Painting" screencaps?

That all sounds amazing and surreal. I don't think I will see the movie, but I really enjoyed all your liveblogging last night.

Btw, I hear he's usually shirtless would be a good way to get me to not watch something Rob Lowe is in. Thank goodness Parks has the decency to keep that covered up most of the time.

Apparently you are watching a version of Parks where there is more shirtlessness than I get to see? If there's a more naked version, you should probably share it with your friends.

I'm glad people liked the liveblogging! I had no idea if anyone would. And I'm absolutely not recommending the movie. But I'd also be lying if I said I was bored with it.

What's the John Stamos one?

To bring up Parks casually is my goal at present:
“I was a woman possessed. I spent about 80 percent of my time talking about Parks and Recreation. And the other 20 percent of the time, I was praying for someone else to bring it up so I could talk about it more.”

I was at work when it aired and was following your liveblog and I tried to get a co-worker to rally behind me to at least check it out on TV and it just didn't happen. Still haven't watched it.

I need to move to a hip place like Chicago.

I was googling and trying to find the answer to this; I saw a commercial for a JS Lifetime movie before Untouchable but the bar was loud at that point so I couldn't hear what it was called, and I could only find a review of a 2010 JS Lifetime movie, but it was on a website entitled Mother May I Sleep with Lifetime? which is the best title of a Lifetime Movie review website EVER.

Ummm... topic. I bring up Parks with my friends all the damn time, but my friends don't mind (or they do, but who cares) because they know I get excited about things and find it cute (maybe? whatever). With strangers, though, I do try to have a reason to bring it up... and really, Rob Lowe being in a movie we just watched three minutes ago is a better reason than most of the reasons I've used to bring anything up.

Also, should you ever find yourself in Chicago, totally let me know and we'll go shopping for skirts and shoes.

It was, in fact, amazing, and totally worth being late to a dinner in order to watch live and text with you. It could only have been better to actually attend the most brilliant event ever in person.

I am so glad we got to share this amazingness across two time zones.

I would totally say you should have come out here, but Friday we had a snowstorm that slowed traffic to a crawl, and today it almost reached 40, and we, in our Midwesterness, were pleased about this. It might actually kill you. But you should totally visit in the spring.