diaphenia

Title: Life of the Party

Word count: 5K

Rating: PG-13 for Ashley

Disclaimer: I'm going to go ahead and claim I own this

Summary: fandom bachelorette party AU

Author’s Note:
happy birthday, stillscape! Writing this was a joy and a burden, just like friendship.

With much love to throwingpens, who coaches me through life.

(note from amber: this could LITERALLY NOT HAVE BEEN POSTED WITHOUT AMBER, YOU'RE WELCOME. HAPPY BIRTHDAY STILLSCAPE YOU'RE THE BEST AND WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!)

Who's Who in Whoville

saucydiva— Diaphenia, Not planning on handling 30 well.
stillscape— Stillscape, Is turning older (not that you'd guess from this fic)

emilyla— Emily, Is already writing a list of reasons why cardigans are great.

throwingpens— Amber, Loud.

Bride of Emily, spouse of Emily

courtknees1—Courtney, Keeping bed salesmen in business in these trying economic times.

missnumbat— Numbat, Believes kangeroos are real.
k8_26_2— Kate, Kate vs. the PTA, Kate vs. Fresno, Kate vs. Robots. The only thing Kate isn't against is Starbucks and long distance running.

whimsical_irony—Elle, Is the pope.
craponaspatula—Andie, Is the pope of shoes.

princess_george—Georgie, Is the pope of Canada.

sullen_aquarian—Sullen, Has opinions on more sports than I can name.
ballroom_pink—Emily, What was going on with naming in the 1980s.

stars_inthe_sky—Allison, Heart belongs to Marvel.

ashisfriendly— Ashley, Ridiculously hot.
lizinstereo— Liz, Realized JD from Scrubs and Jean-Ralphio are related. The world makes sense once again.
shornt— Caity, Believes New York to be better than Chicago (an obvious lie).
beanyb— beanyb, Garth Brooks's biggest fan.
kyrieanne— Kyrieanne, Has opinions.
jncar— Jncar, Perhaps pretend.
owlsaremonsters— Jamie, With child, but still cool.
clubgetright— Meghan, Loves owls. Is far to shy to ask you to theme literally everything you send her owl theme.
angelica_rules— FUNDA, once got drunk with me and went to Krispy Kreme, where I pocket dialed Liz.
Poehlaris— Poehlaris. New, but still wants to join the party, which is awesome.

“You know, most people just turn thirty and behave like people about it,” Amber said, looking herself over in the mirror. She looked amazing, of course.

“I agree, but Diaphenia was originally going to throw a funeral for her youth so this is positively normal by comparison,” Emily said.

“I suppose she is marrying the person she loves.” Amber sighed. It was so hard to life coach a person who refused to behave.

“I swear she picked weirder bridesmaid dresses for her married friends,” Stillscape said, smoothing down her dress in the full-length mirror.

Amber snuck up behind her, taking a selfie of them both. “I mean look at Emily’s dress.”

“I thought I looked good,” Emily said, popping out her bottom lip. Amber took a selfie with her to make her feel better.

“As the most single, statistically, that must be why I look the best,” Andie said.

“Do you think she’s going to make us dance to the Beyonce song?” Amber asked, flipping her hand around.

Andie paused. “That seems hypocritical, almost.”

“It is, but it also isn’t. Or it super is?” Amber took a picture of her hand. “When is Jncar getting here?”

Everyone shrugged.

“I think she’s already here,” Stillscape said.

Andie smiled at her own reflection. “I’m so glad we went with high hemlines; I’ve almost narrowed this down to sixteen potential pairs of shoes.”

“I bought a new cardigan for the wedding,’ Emily said. “It’s black. I have three like it, but this one’s more recent!” She reached for her notepad, adding tell the girls about the cardigan and crossing it off.

“You tell Diaphenia about that?” Amber asked, looking right at the definitely not-crossed-off tell Diaphenia about the cardigan right below get Diaphenia tranquilizers to tell her the cardigan.

“I’m going to,” Emily said. “Before the wedding.”

Andie smirked. “Let me make sure my phone’s charged before you do. I think this video could go viral.”

Stillscape shook her head. “You mean, you want to help Emily, when Diaphenia tries to burn the cardigan while she’s wearing it...”

“She’s the idiot violating the one rule,” Andie answered. “I want subscribers and also not to have to put effort into get them.”

***

Diaphenia was in her shower; Stillscape knew this because there was singing coming from the bathroom. Terrible, awful singing. Luckily, she’d mentioned something about conditioning treatments first, so Stillscape knew she had some time.

She opened the spare bedroom’s closet and was somehow unsurprised by the amount of clothes she found. She managed to squeeze in three blue dresses, all similarly cut She wondered if she should wave her hands around, but decided that was stupid.

Instead, she waited. About the time she decided this closet was broken and that she should read a book instead, a glowing light filled the room. When she opened the closet door again, Kyrieanne was wedged behind a box of yarn helpfully labeled “sweaters” and Kate was on the top shelf. At least, she was pretty sure it was Kate, thought it was hard to tell as she was underneath a box labelled “romances/philosophy.”

“That was amazing!” Kate said, knocking the box off of her. “Travelling just got a whole lot cheaper.

“I don’t know,” Kyrieanne said. “Do you know how much I spent on these dresses?” She waved her hand at the at-least-six dresses she was wearing, one on top of the other.

“You have to shop the sales at J.Crew,” Kate said authoritatively.

“Ok, I gotta get you two out of her place and over to Emily’s before she gets out of the shower,” Stillscape said, poking her head towards the bathroom. “She’s on Hozier. We have time.”

“How can you tell?” Kate asked, wincing.

“Did you know she thinks she invented listening to him.” Stillscape said rhetorically.

***

Andie knew she had one job to do, and she wasn’t going to screw it up, as she had so many things.

Emily had helpfully made her a list.

Andie’s To Do

1. Pick up Australians from the airport

2. No knives in your trunk

She knew there were, in fact, knives in her trunk. That was just how it was. One never knew when one was going to throw a dinner party, or kill a man in cold blood. It was, if you wanted to get technical, against her religion, but a lot of things were against her religion, and she still held out hope she’d one day get a chance to try.

She started typing airport into her phone. There was more than one option. O’Hare. Midway. Some podunk sounding county ones. Hmm. She wondered if she should call someone and find out which airport to go to.

Nah.

She drove past the arrival terminals at O’Hare, scanning for her friends, about six times before she decided to park and go inside.

***

Courtney was excited to be back in Chicago. She was, as ever, exhausted from her long flights, and looking forward to a relaxing car ride and a nap before the festivities tonight.

She checked Numbat’s watch again. Where the hell was Andie?

“I knew we should’ve splurged for a temporary American cell phone,” Courtney said.

“Then we wouldn’t have had room in our bags for the wedding presents,” Numbat said, patting her bag, which was full of beautiful and clever kitchenware. “Diaphenia’s going to be thrilled.”

“I stayed with her for a week,”she grumbled. “I’m not sure I ever even saw her in the kitchen.”

“It was on the registry,” Numbat said. “Listen, I think we should ask for our one phone call.”

“That’s prison—”

“And we have Andie’s number.” But not, unfortunately, Emily’s address.

The lady at the desk was very friendly, and possibly persuaded by their accents. It was a gift, wrapping Americans around her fingers.

Courtney listened to the phone ring endlessly, but no one picked up.

If she had internet access, say, on a temporary American cell phone, she could message literally any of the fandom girls, but alas, she did not.

“I know Stillscape said to meet at Emily’s, but we’ve both been to Diaphenia’s place, and she knows we’re coming to the wedding, anyway,” Numbat said. “We can hail a taxi.”

Courtney dragged their bags outside. There was a summer chill in the air, but the flashing billboard only said 89° and who knew what the hell that meant?

The taxi man was very kind, given that they didn’t remember exactly where Diaphenia lived. “Somewhere by a pond,” Courtney said, helpfully.

“So if we’re going Midway Airport to somewhere by a pond, how much will that be?” Numbat asked.

The taxi man smiled at them both.

***

Funda was so, so excited to be here. She’d seen so many pictures of Emily’s living room, to the point it had taken on a mythical quality. And the dog was real!

“Dog of Emily!” she said.

“We call her ‘Lana,’” Emily said, patting her dog lovingly.

“Bride of Emily!” Funda said to the man coming down the stairs.

“We call him ‘Bride of Emily,’” Emily said, patting her dog lovingly.

“OK. I know you guys are having a good time, and I don’t want to impede on that,” Geoff said. “But I do need to be able to leave the living room, so I need all the goddesses that are in the way to move.”

No one moved.

“Best diet I’ve ever been on,” he said, walking back up the stairs.

“You still need to start a shitty band with my husband,” Meghan yelled up the stairs.

Funda was still going around hugging people when Stillscape got the call. There was a loud buzz of chatter, so she only heard a few words, Andie, TSA, and weapons among them.

“So, where’s Jncar?” Funda asked.

Meghan was just about to tell her when Stillscape, looking eternally put upon, announced, “Andie’s car was searched at O’Hare. I’m going to go get her. I need someone to go track down the Australians, who should be at Midway.”

“I can do that,” Emily ballroompink Emily said.

“And I can make mimosas!” Funda said.

“Truly the most important thing someone could do,” Georgie said.

***

Beanyb had never been to a Container Store before. It was absolutely bonkers how well organized everything was, just rows and rows of clear boxes and toothpaste organizers. “Why are we here, again?” she asked Emily code-name-duchess Emily.

“We’re getting wedding presents!” Emily said.

Beanyb squinted at her. “Really, you waited until the day before—”

“It was stifling in there,” Emily said. “So many people. So many shoes thrown everywhere.”

“Are you finding this weekend stressful?” Poehlaris asked.

Emily held on just a little too tightly to the cart.

“This is a calming place,” Kyrieanne said. “Look at all the dividers.”

“Besides, Diaphenia’s always saying she wants to get organized,” Emily said, picking up a mail divider with seventeen dividers.

That seemed untrue, but Beayb decided not say anything.

“I think she’s love this,” Allison said, popping up with a wedding photo organizer binder.

“That would be so fun to organize!” Emily said.

“The real present would be if you did that for her,” Allison said.

“Sold,” Emily said, adding three of them to her cart.

“Wouldn’t it be more calming and more organized if you just got rid of the stuff, rather than putting it in tiny boxes in larger boxes?” Beanyb asked.

“I think someone needs a new passport organizer,” Allison said, pushing Beanyb towards the travel section.

***

Stillscape was in the middle of telling Andie all the reasons why it was a terrible idea to bring weapons to the airport when she heard the doorbell.

She scanned the room, finding almost everyone who was supposed to be there.

Emily ballroompink Emily was still missing, and the Australians with her, so Stillscape gave her a quick call. It rang three times before she the muffled ringtone buried in the couch.

Well then.

“Hello, Emilys!” Diaphenia said from somewhere at the bottom of the stairs. “You’ll never guess who I found!”

Stillscape wasn’t ready. She was planning on picking up Diaphenia in over an hour. The buttons hadn’t even been distributed, no one was hiding, and Andie needed to get off the no-fly list.

She turned to Liz, who was probably the second most practical person she knew. “I’m going to stall. I need you to get everything perfect.”

Liz nodded, already moving people.

“I found Australians!” Diaphenia shouted from downstairs.

“Who would’ve guessed ‘the one by the pond’ was enough to go on?” Courtney said. "The driver took us by a dozen ponds before we found her."

Stillscape flew down the stairs, giving everyone hugs before sitting down on the fourth step up, trying to block as much of the staircase as possible. “And then what happened?”

“He didn’t even charge us,” Numbat said. “Possibly due to the Courtney’s broken bed story.”

Courtney gave a wicked grin. “American men are so easy.”

“We should probably get some water, and see which way the loo is flushing,” Numbat said.

“Tell me more about international toilets,” Stillscape said.

Numbat merely walked around her.

Stillscape gave her a tackle-hug, which wasn’t the best idea on a flight of stairs, but sometimes extreme times etc etc.

“Is Jncar here?” Courtney asked, while Diaphenia skipped past them.

“Surprise!” yelled a living room full of people.

Diaphenia shrieked.

***

Jamie felt like a giantess amongst these amazing ladies. She had a good three inches on the tallest one, and mostly everyone was a sea of hair parts to her.

“Tonight,” Stillscape said. “We’re going to celebrate Diaphenia in the most Diaphenia-like ways possible!”

Diaphenia clapped.

Stillscape pulled a paper out of her bra. “This means we will be doing the following: a round of jello-shots. Then we’re going to a bar, then another bar, strippers, then the 5am bar to finish off the night. Then, an all-night diner to wait for the sun to rise.”

“That’s so late at night,” Emily code-name-duchess Emily said. “There’s a wedding tomorrow."

“Can we just let the introverts go to a bookstore and ignore each other?” Diaphenia asked.

Jamie was pretty excited, as was a sizable portion of the back of the room, but Stillscape cut them off. “No bookstore.”

“Is it the Salt and Pepper Diner?” Emily ballroompink Emily asked.

“There is nothing special about the Salt and Pepper Diner,” Amber said loudly. “We are going to the one she stood me up in three years ago.”

Diaphenia clapped again.

“I’m going to do this on the honor system,” Stillscape said. “Everyone’s going to close their eyes, and I’m going to flick off the lights and when I turn them back on, I want everyone who has a book in their purse to put it in a pile here.”

When the lights flicked back on, there were four books on the coffee table.

“If any of you are caught with a book tonight, it’s a party foul and you will have to do one hundred shots,” Diaphenia said.

“That will actually kill people,” Elle said. “Absolutely not.”

“What she doesn’t know,” Emily whispered. “Is that there’s a limo for everyone. But Stillscape’s telling her it’s stolen, because you know she’d love that.”

Jamie nodded, wondering if anyone else thought that was weird.

“When is Jncar getting here?” Sullen asked.

“She’s already here,” Kyrieanne said.

Jamie looked around, counting the number of people again. There was no way Jncar was here.

***

Sullen had two passions in life: this freaking amazing stretch limo, and the Chargers. And summer was the offseason, so mostly she cared about this ridiculously large limo.

But that didn’t mean she didn’t still have opinions on football.

“It’s just, when I think about how they blew it last season, I want to punch each of them in the gut,” she said to Numbat.

“I know what that’s like,” Numbat answered.

“And then there’s these flipping refs, who just need to pull their heads out of their asses. What are you even doing?” It had been months since the playoffs, and still, she was mad.

“Sometimes I want to give up cricket commentary. After O’Keeffe quit, the radio’s almost as bad as the tv.”

“Are they even having the same conversation?” Elle asked Amber.

Amber put down her Oreos. “Sort of? You just don’t get sports. You don’t need to follow the same teams or even the same sports to understand the passion.”

“I don’t get it,” Elle said.

Amber snorted. “Besides, if I hear about this ‘East coast bias’ thing I’m going to lose it. Some people just can’t accept that THEIR TEAM CHOKED.”

Sullen looked up sharply, only to find Elle stuffing cookies into Amber’s mouth, looking apologetic.

“She’s drunk, hopefully,” Elle said. “Sports go sports.”

“I made a mixtape,” Emily ballroompink Emily said. She handed the CD to Diaphenia.

“Ooh, this is good, but I also made a mixtape,” Diaphenia said.

“This is a Kesha CD,” Emily said.

“I know, and we should play it,” Diaphenia said. “Because I love her. Is there alcohol in this limo?”

***

Elle was not super into bars, but this was fascinating stuff.

People were like flowers, she decided. Some of them bloomed in the dark, like Diaphenia, who even now was facing towards the disco ball like she was gathering strength. And some of people were already wilting, deprived of quiet and wifi and personal space.

Actually, she wasn’t sure if there were flowers that bloomed in the dark. But the point still stood as a metaphor, or maybe a simile.

“Amber, let’s make a bet,” Elle said. “Loser takes a hundred shots.”

“Or even better, loser has to tell twitter that they failed,” Amber said.

“That’s way worse,” Elle said. “Ok, who gets a phone number first, who is the first to drop, and who throws up in a potted plant?”

Amber aimed her phone at the group, to put her guesses up on Instagram as one would, when they heard yelling even above the crowd.

“We better break that up,” Elle said, feeling positively Beckett-like. She wasn’t wearing a cool leather coat and her hair was not Disney-Princess levels yet, but she could get the coat after the wedding.

“I had one rule. It was in the packets I gave you when I asked you to be a bridesmaid,” Diaphenia said.

“What packet? You gave me a napkin with the word NO written on it. Do you think that’s a packet?” Emily asked, hands on her hips.

“I’ll bet she found out about the cardigan Emily was planning on wearing to the wedding,” Amber whispered.

“I don’t have time to make packets!” Diaphenia yelled. “I had important pre-wedding dates to take myself on.”

“Can we all just pause and agree, as a group, that we’re going to stop pretending this is a thing that people do?” Emily said. “Can’t you just meet a nice person and get married the same way everyone else does?”

“I am not taking relationship advice from someone who is only getting married once,” Diaphenia said.

Emily scrunched up her face. “If you think I’m planning another—”

“I think we should leave this,” Elle whispered to Amber.

“I thought we were going to help,” Amber said.

“Right, but I want to live through the night,” Elle said. “And you never want to get between a bride and her bridesmaid.”

***

The second bar was loud, full of partial nudity and bass-pounding music. Diaphenia was on the dance floor immediately, dancing and occasionally popping over to the wallflowers to drag them bodily unto the dance floor.

Georgie sat back with her empty glass. God, American beer was shitty, and it was expensive, but there was so many different ones to try.

Allison came over, having escaped Diaphenia’s dance circle, which was most of the group. About half of them were dancing enthusiastically, and the other half looked miserable. Well, that was the downside to legal guns, probably. Mandatory dancing in fear.

“I brought you a drink,” Allison said, sliding a light beer across the tiny table.

“How’d you escape?” Georgie asked at the same time Allison asked, “Why don’t you have to dance?”

“I am old enough to be her very young mother,” Georgie said.

“I told her I was having an asthma attack,” Allison admitted.

Georgie raised her eyebrows.

“I don’t have asthma.”

They tapped their beers together.

“This whole thing is sort of weird,” Allison said.

“Oh, it’s completely weird,” Georgie answered. “But not everyone handles the aging process well. There’s always some age that gets a person, either because they think they haven’t achieved their goals by arbitrary or real deadlines, or because they start contemplating their own mortality. Diaphenia’ll calm down.”

They both looked over at her; she did a shot with Ashley, then started petting Ashley’s hair.

“She’ll slow down, at least,” Georgie said.

“How’d you get so wise?”

“Age, experience, and— most importantly—beer.”

“Isn’t this place loud for you?” Allison asked.

Georgie smiled. “Compared to two children, this place is practically quiet.”

***

Ashley was balls-to-the-wall excited right now. And yeah, she was also tired, like this was way past her bedtime if she was honest, but there was an amount of adrenaline just pumping through her. Besides, she was pretty sure yawning was a party foul, and she’d already had way too many shots.

“The stripper cancelled,” Stillscape said, looking like she might break her Moscow Mule right in half.

“But Diaphenia loves nudity!”

“Agreed. And I love Diaphenia. But I can’t make there be nudity where’s there’s none.”

Ashley knew, suddenly, what she had to do. “I will be the stripper,” she said.

Stillscape remained silent, presumably overwhelmed with gratitude. “I’m not sure how that would work.”

“I can show you! But I’ll need you to hum ‘Hey Big Spender’ and, oh, can you get me some ice?”

Stillscape put her hands to Ashley’s arms. “I think I have to get the bachelorette some shots. And maybe one for me. Three, three shots for me. I’ll be right back.”

Ashley knew all about stripping from being generally the hottest person alive, but if there was one thing she’d learned in life, it was always better with two. She decided to see if anyone else could join her.

But Courtney just laughed and Kyrieanne rolled her eyes and Poehlaris asked her if this was the usual tradition for Americans.

“It’s basically a tradition,” Ashley said, which wasn’t untrue. It could become a tradition, at any rate.

Poehlaris looked quite certain it was not.

“I think that might be a little intense for some people,” Meghan said, looking thrilled to not be dancing. “Have you considered maybe trying something else rather than stripping?”

That had never once occurred to her, but Ashley considered it. “I’m really good at stripping though.”

“Right, and I’m not saying you— shit, start dancing, she’s looking— wait, she’s moved over. I’m not saying you aren’t. But think about what Leslie Knope would do.”

“Demand oral sex.”

“But after that, what would she do?”

Ashley nodded, then went to find Caity.

Caity didn’t look up from her phone, open to a familiar blue page, but did nod. “Hey.”

“You and me are going to save this party,” Ashley said.

“My clothes stay on,” Caity said.

“What makes you think—”

“Word travels fast,” Caity said, pointing to her dash.

***

Liz was not really an improv person, but she thought Caity and Ashley were pretty amazing. They’d rented out a hotel room, shoving together the beds, and were performing in front of the groaup of them.

Liz watched Diaphenia, who was clapping after literally every joke.

Liz turned to Stillscape. “Is Diaphenia drunk?” She knew she’d drank enough vodka to fell a small elephant.

Stillscape paused. “I mean, it’s immaterial to the clapping.”

Liz got to pick the next suggestion, which was Canada.

“Those were amazingly accurate mounties,” Diaphenia clapped.

Georgie nodded at Diaphenia, then shook her head at Liz.

Liz decided the show was pretty great, especially since it was put together on a moment’s notice. She still was not entirely sure why Ashley was topless for the whole thing, however.

***

Meghan wasn’t sure this was the best diner in the world, but their grilled cheese was pretty good. Plus, all the goddesses took up three large tables, and that was hilarious, seeing everyone winding down over french fries.

“We should go around the room and say what our favorite part of the night was,” Poehlaris said.

“Using alcohol to solve problems,” Diaphenia said.

“Full-frontal nudity,” Ashley said.

“Knowing sleep is coming,” Andie said.

“The sunrise!” Liz said.

“Jncar being here,” Kyrieanne said.

“I’m confused. Is Jncar coming, or is she, like, a ghost?” Elle asked. “Someone would’ve told us if she was dead, right?”

“Don’t you see? Jncar isn’t a person, she’s an idea,” Kyrieanne said. “We’re all Jncar where it matters, here.” She pressed her hand to her heart. “When you post fic on tumblr, late at night, that’s Jncar. When you have weirdly kinky head canons for web series characters, that’s Jncar.” She stood on her chair.

Emily code name duchess Emily winced. “That’s not really for standing—”

Kyrieanne continued, obvious. “When you gather from around the world to celebrate your friend’s unorthodox wedding—”

“I believe we’ve been using the term weirdo wedding,” Amber said, shoving half a burrito in her mouth.

“When you take time off of work and use money you don’t have to fly, that’s Jncar.”

“You literally didn’t spend money,” Kate said. “That’s the power of the SuperCloset.”

“When you love your friends, that’s Jncar.”

“No, I’m a person,” Jncar said, striding into the diner and dropping her coat right behind Elle.

Elle shrieked in surprise, then collapsed.

Liz dropped to one knee, feeling for Elle’s pulse.

“She’s dead,” Liz announced. “Also, hello, Jncar.”

***

Diaphenia was probably more excited about her wedding then she’d ever been about anything before. Weddings were amazing, and practically planned themselves, especially when you made Emily do all the leg work, assuming leg work meant the entire thing.

The hotel’s ballroom was filled with everyone she’d ever loved. It was like the world’s biggest party only it was better, because it was about her.

Plus, today was the day she was going to get married to herself. Honestly, she had no idea why more people didn’t do it like this. Getting married to yourself was way better than getting married to someone else, because 1. no sharing the bathroom 2. no sharing the cash money wedding presents 3. no having to compromise with anyone else ever.

Besides, love was probably a lie and all that.

She looked in the mirror for the millionth time. Amber had done her makeup, and she looked really good. It wasn’t quite as sparkly as she would’ve gone, but Amber said she didn’t want to compete with the dress, which, fair.

Allison stopped her in the hallway. “I know you have to have your something old and new and borrowed.”

“How’d you know that?” Diaphenia asked.

“Emily made us all packets. Anyway, I wanted to be the one to give you something blue. This bracelet is corundum, otherwise known as sapphires.”

Diaphenia admired the bracelet, which was understated but still shiny.

“The best part,” Allison said. “Is that sapphires are the same rock as rubies. And this is a smaller, bluer version of that fake ruby bracelet you always wear.”

“Yes, completely fake,” Diaphenia said pulling Allison into a hug.

She went to find her bridesmaids, who were all beautifully done up and entirely asleep.

Amateurs, the lot of them.

She accidentally on purpose dropped her new dutch oven, a present from the Australians.

This startled awake everyone except Andie, who cuddled back into her own arms.

“Whasits,” Emily said.

“Happy wedding to me!” Diaphenia said with a clap. “I couldn’t have done it without you guys, and I wouldn’t have wanted to—”

“That’s really sweet,” Emily said, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

“Because you did most of the work, honestly,” Diaphenia said.

“That’s really sweet for you,” Stillscape said.

“But more importantly than planning literally every part of my wedding is the KICK-ASS bachelorette party you planned for me,” Diaphenia said, pulling Stillscape into a hug.

“I took all the pictures,” Amber said.

“And they are 89% photos of you in front of things,” Diaphenia said. “And Emily, in honor of the work you did getting me that giant paper-mache duck—”

“And planning the wedding.”

“I’m giving you permission to ignore the welcome packet and wear a cardigan,” Diaphenia said, the spirit of generosity strong in hopes it would get her more presents, karma-wise.

“No,” Emily said. “I realized last night that I was wearing a cardigan to cover my arms, when really I needed was a cardigan to cover my heart.”

“That’s literally what I’ve been saying to you for years.” Diaphenia said

“Also, I might still be a little drunk from last night,” Emily said.

Diaphenia, also still drunk, nodded, having learned nothing.

***

Emily walked down the aisle, proud of herself for not hiding away. She wasn’t one for attention, but luckily she knew Diaphenia would steal it all in a moment, so the hundred pairs of eyes currently trained on her— no, she had to stop thinking about it.

She decided to hum along with her aisle music, everything is awesome, everything is cool when you’re part of a team...

When Diaphenia entered the ballroom, resplendent in her red dress, Emily teared up. She looked out into the crowd of fandom ladies who’d flown from all over the world for this, and only about a third of them were on their phones, which felt like progress.

Diaphenia walked down the aisle towards a mirror, way way slower than her usual steps.

Emily wondered if she was aware they only had this room for an hour, and obviously the wedding hadn’t started on time “because that’s rude,” and what even was Diaphenia sometimes.

Kyrieanne, who was officiating the entire thing now that Elle was dead, “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today as one woman takes control of her life’s destiny. I want to talk more about Diaphenia, but first, Ashley is going to read some erotic haiku.”

Ashley smiled. “The size of the ship—”

There was a commotion as someone flung the doors to the ballroom open. Suddenly, a blond woman, her hair and makeup possibly applied in a windtunnel, yelled, “Don’t take those vows!”

“We were actually just starting the poetry section,” Kyrieanne said pleasantly.

Diaphenia turned. “KESHA!”

***

Stillscape still thought this all counted as a wedding, even though they never even got through all the poetry readings. At least there was still a reception.

“I’d like to propose a toast,” Diaphenia said, clinking her glass. “To all of you, for coming to my wedding to myself. Though it was called off while in progress, and even though I am sure this is costing an absolute boatload for a ceremony I didn’t finish, I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, it’s an open bar. Also, sorry to my Mom and Dad. Just generally.”

There was clapping, and Diaphenia sat back down, waving to Kesha, who was chatting with Kate. .

“I only love three things,” she told the head table. “Kesha, who I get to have dinner with tomorrow night. Vodka—” she held up her glass. “And wifi.”

“And Stillscape,” Stillscape said. “You also love Stillscape.”

Diaphenia nodded. “And I love Stillscape most of all.”

EPILOGUE

Kate watched Diaphenia and Kesha taking the mic. “This song is very special to me,” Diaphenia said.

It was about three in the morning, and no one had slept in two days, but the bar was still open, so most of the fandom was still at the reception. Around one, Diaphenia had declared it a karaoke-mandatory zone, but so far that mostly meant just her.

Kate was yawning, but she and Sullen were talking about baseball, so she was going to stay awake. She heard the dulcet tones of Carly Rae Jepsen, circa 2012. Hey I just met you—.

Liz, upon hearing it, stopped talking to Stillscape immeadiately and went over to the DJ. She kept making slicing motions, but he rubbed his fingers together—the international sign for my artistic integrity is absolutely for sale— and the song stayed on.

“It’s not that I’m jealous,” Kesha said, as she sat at the table with them.

“It’s just, with that song, I was like a fandom of one for a solid year,” Diaphenia said.

Kesha tilted her head. “What’s ‘fandom’?”

But Kate never heard the answer, because just then, a small robot glided over to the table.

“Oooh, is this a present for me?” Diaphenia asked.

“Either a present, or the bringer of doom and destruction to all of Chicago,” Kate said. She’d been having the worst luck with robots lately.

“Maybe it’s both,” Sullen said.

“We can only hope,” Diaphenia said, picking up the tiny robot and cuddling it to her.

The robot's eyes glowed red.