Fic: Pawnee Sports Bar and Grille

[diaphenia]

Title: Pawnee Sports Bar and Grille

Author: saucydiva

Fandom: Parks and Rec

Word count: 3K

Rating: PG

Timeline: AU

Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I’d take you all to brunch

Summary: whimsical_irony wanted drunken group shenanigans for the Leslie’s Birthday Exchange, so here it is, only three months late: the Bar!AU

Author’s Note: Thanks to jncar for the beta and throwingpens for the fic coaching/life coaching



Donna tapped her clipboard with her pen. “And finally, I’d like to introduce Ben Wyatt. Ben worked for years across the street at Eagleton’s—”

“Boo,” Leslie said under her breath.

“And he’s a personal friends with Chris,” Donna said. “And that’s why, in light of his recent situation, I’ve decided to hire him as our new floor manager.”

“What?” Leslie said.

“Ben, ever since Paul left us, we’ve had Leslie— she’s our head server— doing most of our floor manager duties. She’ll show you the ropes.”

“Will I ever.” Leslie thought this new guy looked like a total hardass. Probably wanted to come in and change everything from the perfect systems she’d already implemented to newer, worse ones. Really, the sooner he left, the better off Pawnee would. It was the best bar in all of Indianapolis, possibly the entire state, probably the world.

“Your arms really should be covered,” he said, looking over her cocktail waitress costume.

“I don’t care what the Department of Health says, we sell more everything when these people are in their uniforms.” Donna gestured to Chris, who spun around in his ridiculously tight jeans and black t-shirt.

“Actually, Ben, we’ve found we get 43% higher tips ever since we switched over,” Leslie said, gesturing to her own jeans and babydoll tee.

“Great. The Department of Health—”

“Does the Department of Health really matter, son? Those government agencies are nothing but a bunch of bureaucratic bastards trying to stop an honest man from getting a wage.” Ron looked up from his lagoven to glare.

“Nothing wrong with the government,” Jerry said. “Donna and I used to—”

“Not important,” Leslie said. “Let me introduce you to everyone. They’re the best crew a bar could have, and I would murder someone, probably, who wanted to let any of them go.”

“Has this bar achieved sentience?” Ben lifted one eyebrow at her.

“I just meant— it doesn’t matter. Let me introduce you. This is Donna, she owns this place.”

“We’ll work on your outfit,” Donna said.

Leslie patted Andy’s shoulder. “Over here, we have the best bouncer that’s ever existed.”

“You’re, like, really handsome for a dude,” Andy said, shaking Ben’s hand.

“Ok then,” Ben said. “And you are?”

April got that wicked look in her eye. “Janet Snakehole, internationally renowned heiress with a bloody secret—”

“This is April, our hostess,” Leslie said right over her.

“Fine,” April said. “A hostess with a bloody secret.”

“And that secret is that you like bloody marys,” Larry said.

“Shut up, Jerry,” April said.

“I’m sorry, your nametag says Gary?” Ben looked confused.

Jerry smiled at him. “Well, it’s a long story, but when I first met Donna, we were both in the Parks department, and they laminated my ID before I could—”

“And this is Chris, you know him, obviously,” Leslie said, pulling Ben away from Larry’s ridiculous story. She didn’t like the guy, but she didn’t hate him, yet.

“Ben Wyatt! The dream team, back together again.” Chris and Ben did some ridiculous hand shake that demonstrated Ben just had too much time on his hands. “I can’t tell you how happy I am. Butch and Sundance, you and me, buddy.”

“And that’s Ron,” Leslie said. “Our cook.”

Ben stuck out his hand, and Ron merely nodded at him, to Ben’s confusion.

Leslie smiled. “And that’s everyone. Do you want to go over the scheduling system?”

***

“I can’t believe you didn’t back me up out there!” Leslie said, pulling Ben back into the kitchen. “You know it’s your job to back me up!”

“No, it’s my job to make sure we have customers, which we won’t have if you insult them.”

“He was a jerk! I called him a jerk because he was being a jerk!”

“He thought you were a local celebrity.”

“He thought I was a porn star, Ben, and I don’t have to take that.”

“You have to be polite. Besides, in all fairness, the resemblance is remarkable.”

“We’re both strong blondes, but other than that, there’s nothing. Ron, tell Ben I don’t look like a porn star.”

“Ben, I choose not to be a part of this conversation. Also, the idiot’s here.”

“Again?” Leslie said. “Come on, I’ll introduce you.”

She opened up the manager’s office.

“Leslie, always a pleasure. Can I say you’re looking especially lovely today?” Tom put out a hand, and kissed Leslie’s.

“Tom, meet Ben, our new floor manager. Ben, this is Tom, he’s a liquor rep.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen you at Eagleton’s.”

“I know. But now that you’ve jumped ship, I think we should talk about your high-end liquor sales. I have a new premium beverage that will have all the kids talking.” Tom pulled out a bottle of Snakejuice from his bag, along with some shot glasses.

Leslie stifled a laugh. How many times was he going to try to sell that crap? She remembered trying it once, and it was— “Ben, let’s each do a shot. In the spirit of friendship.”

“Whose friendship?” Ben asked.

“You and me,” Leslie said, accepting shots from Tom. “Let’s do this.” They clinked shot glasses together, and Ben took his in one smooth gulp. Leslie threw hers over her shoulder.

***

“Why would you do that to me?” Ben asked. He looked positively awful underneath the hair gel and skinny tie.

“Are you talking about the Snakejuice?” Leslie said sweetly. “I’m just fine.”

“Clearly you’re somehow immune, I don’t know, but I woke up half dead.”

“Look, we work hard here, but we also play hard. If you can’t handle it, that’s—”

Ben furrowed his face. “Oh, I can handle it. I could run a 5K if I wanted. You can’t handle it.” He groaned.

“I can handle it.”

“Great. Now you need to get out there on the floor, asap, and sell some Coronas. They’re on special.”

“I know they’re on special, I invented the Coronas Tuesday Afternoon Drink Special.”

Ben threw her a pad of paper as she tied on her apron. “Stop it, I have my own, obviously.” She checked herself out in the mirror; she was a model employee, ready to start her afternoon.

Ann was there. Beautiful Ann Perkins, local nurse and potential best friend. She often came by after work at the local hospital. She was talking to Chris, who tended to upgrade her drinks, possibly because she was wonderful, possibly because she’d just gotten out of a relationship and was the prettiest person in all of Indy.

“Ann!” Leslie said, throwing an arm around her. “we have got to talk.”

Ann looked around the bar, pointing in Ben’s direction. “Don’t you have to help that guy? He looks like he’s going to throw up...”

“Chris?” Leslie asked, smiling sweetly.

“Of course. Leslie Knope! Ann Perkins!” Chris wiped down the pristine counter, and went to wait on that guy who was always talking about his bird.

“The worst new guy has started working here, Ann, and I don’t know what to do. He’s the worst person I’ve ever met, and he’s friends with Chris.”

Ann looked at Leslie skeptically. “Chris doesn’t seem the type to befriend the worst person.”

“And yet. This guy, Ben, actually told me he’s going redo the schedule.”

“Is he supposed to do the schedule?”

“Just because he’s the floor manager doesn’t mean he should just do the schedule.”

“Actually,” Ben said from behind her. “That’s exactly what that means.”

Leslie cringed.

Ann introduced herself, and Ben conducted himself like a human for once.

Ben frowned. “So, Ann, what do you like about this place?”

Leslie butted in. “You don’t have to answer that.”

“I’m just getting a feel for here,” Ben said through clenched teeth. “This isn’t the third degree.”

“Well, it’s nice here,” Ann said. “Everyone’s nice.”

Ben kept silent, urging her to continue.

Ann furrowed her brow. “I come by all the time. It’s close to work? The tables are rarely sticky. I.... maybe I spend too much time here.”

Leslie had to stop her from saying that sort of nonsense. “Of course she loves it here. Pawnee is the best.”

“No, Pawnee is the place you work. It’s a pretty run-of-the-mill sports bar in a medium-sized sized city in a fly-over state,” Ben said, his jaw set. “We need something to stand out or we’re going to go under.”

Leslie slapped her notepad on the bar. “Indianapolis is the thirteenth biggest city in the country, first of all, and we’re the best.”

“No! Have you even looked at the books lately?” Ben asked. He took a step closer to her. “Have you actually seen how much money this place makes?”

“No,” Leslie said, holding her ground. “I don’t need to. That’s what we have Barney for.”

“Well, I don’t know who that is, but he’s doing a terrible job. This place is in the red. And unless something changes, you’re going to be looking for a new job soon.”

Leslie gasped.

“Well, I’m going to just— I should go. Tell Chris to put this on my tab.” Ann knocked back the rest of her vodka cranberry.

“What tab? We don’t have tabs here.” Ben threw his hands up in the air. “Chris?”

“Ben Wyatt! What’s going on?”

“Does this woman have a running tab?”

“In point of fact—” Chris hurried through the doors to the kitchen.

Ann left too, promising to settle her tab at some point in the future.

And that left Leslie and Ben, alone and glaring.

***

“I have some ideas,” Leslie said the next day, throwing her notepad down on Ben’s desk. “We should discuss.”

“I’m busy,” Ben said, not even glancing up.

“I’m not asking.”

“By all means, sit.”

Leslie continued to stand. “Pawnee may be having financial problems—”

“Oh, so you believe me?”

“No, but Chris showed me. I mean, he couched it in a bunch of stuff that sounded positive, but I did the math.”

“So you’re willing to admit I’m right?”

“I’m willing to let you work with me to make this place ever better.” She held her breath, waiting for a response.

He laughed. “You just don’t give up, do you?”

“Of course not. Quitting’s for Eagletonians.”

“Their bar is doing great, actually.”

“Yeah, people are attracted to their shiny hair and cucumber water, but you know what they don’t have?”

“The endless stream of weirdos who come in here?”

“Heart. Or nearly as many customers who have heart attacks on their premises.”

“Yeah, yesterday was pretty terrible,” Ben said, making a face. Leslie made a mental note to send that customer a bouquet of flowers. She’d just forge everyone’s signature.

“So, I think we need to remind everyone that they love coming here and spending their money.”

“You know we have almost zero budget to do so?”

She waved her hand. “Donna told me I could do whatever I wanted as long as I stopped calling her while she was on dates.”

He picked up the list. “May I?” She nodded and he started reading. “No. No. illegal, maybe immoral.” He leaned back thoughtfully. “But this one...”

***

“I don’t get it,” Andy said. “Who can eat ninety- nine things at once? Wait. I could try it.”

Chris pulled the bag of M&Ms from Andy’s hands. “So, if I understand this, you’re challenging customers to eat ninety-nine items from our menu?”

“This restaurant by my school had something like it. And they were completely successful. It encourages people to come in often, and then we get their business, plus their friends they bring with them, and then we crown a winner. Everyone loves a competition.” Leslie smiled encouragingly.

“That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard,” Chris said.

“We don’t even have ninety nine items,” April said.

“It’s so cool how you know what’s on the menu,” Andy said.

Jerry frowned. “Remember what happened when we tried to get Ron to make a cheeseburger?”

“Shut up, Jerry,” Leslie said.

“Couldn’t we just add more stuff to the menu?” Ben asked.

“Like X-Box pancakes,” Andy said.

“Or something healthy? Right now the healthiest thing is cheesesticks and they have more calories than a healthy adult should have in a day,” Chris said.

“I make ten different foods. That’s more than enough,” Ron said.

“Guys, you know how skittish Ron is about changing the menu,” Leslie said. “No, I was thinking we could add some new drinks. Chris, you’re going to have to come up with those new drinks.”

“Leslie Knope, that’s a fabulous idea,” Chris said.

“And you’re going to have to incorporate Snake Juice into most of them sorry about that it’s mostly Ben’s fault,” Leslie muttered.

“Snake juice is poison, we can’t serve it to my customers,” Donna said.

“Ben bought twenty cases,” Leslie said.

“Serve it up, then,” Donna said.

“You can be my first taster,” Chris said.

“High shelf liquor only, you know that,” Donna answered, rolling her eyes.

“And the best part of this idea is that we’ll have a party to kick it off,” Leslie said.

“Now you’re speaking my language,” Andy said. “Which is English.”

“Andy’s band should play,” April said.

“Sure, why not? We’ll get local acts in, which will bring in their friends. It’s win-win-win,” Leslie said.

“And you should pay him $250,” April said.

“Ten dollars,” Leslie said.

“Done,” April said.

“April, that was awesome-sauce,” Andy said as he high-fived her. “You should be a lawyer.”

“This is going to be the best party ever!” Leslie said, to no one in particular.

***

“What are you still doing here?” a voice said from behind her.

Leslie sighed as she slammed her binder shut. “Nothing.”

“Really?” Ben asked, stepping out of the shadows. “Then why are you here?”

She sighed, opening her binder back up. “I’m just having a tough time making the numbers work on all the party planning.”

He raised an eyebrow, and she pushed everything over to him. “If you think you can even follow all that.”

“You know, Chris and I both went to school for accounting.”

“Really?” she asked, waiting for him to fill in more details.

He didn’t. Instead, he pulled out a calculator from his messanger bag. He sat there, sketching out notes with a pencil. Leslie always wrote in pen, personally, but she had to admit, seeing him work with numbers was a thing of magic; he relaxed, almost. His face lost that pinched look, and he kept nibbling on the eraser, his mouth moving thoughtfully with a little tongue peeking through.

“Why’d you quit Eagleton’s?” she blurted out.

He dropped his pencil, and she cringed a little as his guard went back up.

“I’ve been there off and on since I was eighteen. You know, you start out small, summers and holidays while you’re in school. Then you graduate early, get the new job at the fancy accounting firm. Everyone’s so proud, you know?”

She nodded.

“But then, even though all the accountants just love you, you screw up. And... they let you go.”

“It couldn’t have been that--”

“It was. And then I moved back home, started working at Eagleton’s full time. Got into a groove, I guess. Even started dating the boss’s daughter.”

“Not Ingrid?” Ingrid was beautiful, classy, and intelligent, and Leslie more or less hated her.

“Well, if you date her for four years, and you don’t propose, you lose more than just the girl.”

Leslie sat back on her hands for a moment. She knew she had a way of jumping into advice, bypassing listening, and she was determined not to make that mistake again.

“Listen, can I sleep on this a little?” He stood and gestured towards the binder. “I’m sure I can’t borrow it, but I took notes, and--”

“Why not, though? Why not propose? You liked her enough to date her forever.” She pressed her back-up binder into his hands.

Ben was quiet for a long moment. “I guess... she didn’t feel right.” He let himself out the bar before she had the chance to respond.

***

“Great party, Leslie,” Donna said.

“It is, isn’t it?” Leslie said, looking around. Pawnee was full of people trying Ron’s burgers, drinking Chris’s drinks, and generally having a good time. “Even Orin’s having fun.” Well, she assumed he was having fun. It was awfully hard to tell with him.

She took a sip of her Snake in the Grass, which combined Snake Juice with kale but somehow tasted a little bit like a milkshake. Leslie suspected that was Ann’s influence; Ann had been coming by every night lately, helping Chris test out new drinks. She still didn’t seem to be paying for anything, but at least she was contributing instead of just being there all the time.

In fact, she was sitting at the bar right now, listening to Chris as he talked to one of the new customers. Leslie had seen that look on Chris’s face before; this customer was literally the most interesting person he’d ever talked to. Leslie would have to make her own drinks.

She slipped behind the bar, grabbing some of Chris’s garnish.

“Look at all this Snake Juice you’re selling!” Tom said. “I’m going to get a raise.”

“I’m happy for you,” Leslie said.

“And so many women.”

“Gross.” Leslie poured out some vodka.

“Seriously though, this is a slamming party,” Tom said.

“Sorry we couldn’t get that wall of shrimp you wanted.”

Leslie slipped out with her tray of drinks. She dropped one off with Donna, who was currently enjoying the attentions of several attractive men, dropped off a bunch with a group of Colts fans, and slipped back into the kitchen.

“Nice job, Knope,” Ben said.

“You too, Wyatt. And I couldn’t have done without you.”

He grinned, looking at the floor, and for a second, she almost thought he was blushing.

Impulsively, she pulled him into a hug.

It felt surprisingly right.